Right?
by MotherFaer
Summary: This is what I imagine the cacophony of thoughts would be in Bo's mind after 3.4, Fae-de to Black, when she tells Lauren about sleeping with Dyson and they have their talk. Hope you like! :)


Do you know how it is to mess something up so badly that it feels like there's no return? To feel like you could have quite possibly ruined what might be the best thing that has ever happened to you in your entire life? . . . . I do.

For some reason I couldn't go to sleep. For some reason? Who am I lying to? I knew the exact reason.

I decided to stay over after our talk. To be honest, I didn't want to leave, I was afraid to leave. I was afraid that at some point in the middle of the night, she would call saying that she had changed her mind. That she did have a choice, and that she couldn't do it.

Honestly, that's what I expected her to say when I came over. So I prepared a logical debate that was equal parts convincing and genuine. I was going to lay all my cards on the table, starting with all the reasons why it had happened and why I was sorry. Then I would end with an apology and wrap it up with a solution that I hadn't quite worked out yet, but would be good. In the end, she would see that I realized that I had made a mistake, and being a woman who loved logical reasoning, she would forgive me. Right?

That was until she looked at me and calmly did what she does best. She saw through my BS, even before I had a chance to really lather it on.

 _"Wow. And here I thought you were just playing at being a doctor."_

That simple sentence sent my game plan completely out the window. I panicked, pure and simple. And I did what I do best in these types of situations, I improvised.

 _"I wasn't healing."_ That's right, start with the obvious. I continued hoping that whatever came out of my mouth next would make it better, or at least garner a response of some kind.

 _"And he was there."_ Not making it better. I had to do something, she was just looking at me. In that way you do when you're not quite mad or sad, but disgusted or disappointed. I had to say or do something that would make this better. So I grabbed her hand, that'll make it better . . . Right?

 _"And there were no feelings for anyone."_ Nope, might've made it worse. She snatches her hand away, and I can tell that she's more than just disappointed. But she's still not saying anything. She's just looking at me with that face that is so hard to read. At this point, I can feel my own tears burning in my eyes and threatening to fall. I want her to scream at me or yell or anything, so that I can have something to go off of. Something to let me know that she still cares, that she still believes in us. Still wants us.

 _"And I regretted it immediately, and I should've come and talk to you. And . . ."_ I have to fix this. I want to fix this. I have to say something so she'll stop looking at me like that. So that she'll know that I know that it's all my fault and that I'll do anything to fix it.

There it is again, that face. _"Please say something!"_

The look and the tears in her eyes that followed was something that I was not prepared for. I hated to see her cry. It broke my heart, and not in that puppy dog, teenage love kind of way. In the way that physically hurts, where it feels like your heart is physically being ripped out of your chest. The ironic thing was that I had spent so much time trying to protect her from any and everything that tried to hurt her. And here I was, the culprit of all the pain. Again.

I prepared myself to hear her say that she was devastated. That she couldn't believe I would do this to us and that she would never forgive me. I was ready for her to say it was over and that she wanted me to leave. I mean, that's what I would've done. I was also ready to beg. I was ready to beg her to forgive me and to give me another chance. I was prepared to hold her as tightly as I could until she stopped crying if she would let me, and I was ready to stay all night screaming and crying with her if that's what it took.

But once again, my whole plan got thrown out the window when she reached over and kissed me. Ya' know, she never ceases to amaze me.

The conversation that followed was the absolutely the best case scenario. There were tears, smiles, laughs, compromises, and even an amazing kiss at the end. And on top of all of that, she didn't brake up with me. All's well that ends well . . . Right?

Then why wasn't I happy? Why did I feel like complete and utter shit?

We had spent the rest of the night just recuperating. We moved to the couch where I just held her, just to know that she was still there. She didn't say much for the rest of the night, but ever once in a while I would catch her just looking at me with those sad eyes. So I would kiss her. Either on the forehead or on the nearest piece of skin I could find. At which she would offer a depleted smile, and look away. We finally finished our wine and at some point decided just to go to bed. I was surprised when she agreed to let me stay the night, and I even asked twice to make sure she was sure.

So here I am, in the dark. Staring at the ceiling. Thinking. With her snuggled up beside me. She usually sleeps with her back towards me, but not tonight. She's facing me with her arms and legs in the fetal position and her head placed near my side. She isn't touching me, and to be honest I'm a little afraid to touch her. But the way she looks, like a scared little girl, makes me want to do anything I can to protect her. So I turn over, placing my arms around her, and pull her as close as I can without waking her up. I press my forehead against hers and just listen to her breathe. I can still hear her words replaying in my head.

 _"I love you."_

She loves me. Wow. I never knew it would feel this good to finally say it out loud, to hear her say it out loud. I mean I had said it a million times in my head, but I had never worked up the courage to actually say it to her. I was waiting for that perfect moment. For that moment when I just couldn't hold it in any longer and it would spill out. I actually thought it would be during sex, we have a lot of that so it only makes sense. But I guess this moment was as good as any. Because in this moment I couldn't love her any more. I had just told her what could be the worse thing you could hear from a significant other, and you know what she did? She kissed me and told me that she loved me. How could I not love her? She loves me. My stomach is still swirling just thinking about it. She actually loves me, Bo Dennis. Lauren Lewis loves me . . . Bo Dennis.

 _"I know that I'm not enough for you."_

How could she ever think that? Did she really think that? All my life, I had searched for that one feeling, that one person. The person that when I was with them, I felt the most human. Truly and completely human. That would look into my eyes and let me know that I wasn't a monster. The one person who no matter what would love me and ensure me that I, Bo Dennis, was more than enough. Not the succubus inside of me, but me. Lauren Lewis was that person. She was more than enough to me. She was all I ever wanted.

 _"You're a succubus Bo, and we both tried to pretend that it wouldn't be an issue but it is."_

I knew what I was, and this was one of the times that I hated that about myself. If I wasn't a damn succubus, I wouldn't be hurting her like this. She wouldn't have to look at me with her big beautiful eyes full of tears and her enormous heart broken. She would just have a normal girlfriend who would love her with all she was. She would have me, all of me. And she was right. I can't pretend that the question of what would happen if and when I needed to feed hadn't crossed my mind a couple times. But to be honest, I didn't really care. I thought that our love would be enough. We had beaten the odds in ever other way, so why wouldn't this be one of those times? I honestly thought that she would find some way to fix me. To make it so that I wouldn't need to feed or sleep with others. But like she had said the first time we met, "there is nothing to fix." Yeah . . . . Right.

 _"And for some reason the shots aren't working anymore."_

Why weren't the damn shots working? Was it me? Was I doing something wrong? Maybe I wasn't trying hard enough. Why did they have to stop working now? Right when everything was perfect. Right when I had finally decided to give us a chance and had actually found that feeling, life had to come and shit all over it. I don't know what I ever did to piss life off so badly, but man did fate hate me. It always felt like I was taking three steps forward and ten steps back. When we had first started the injections, they were literally the only thing that kept me sane. And now that I had come to rely on them, they were letting me down. Just like everything and everyone else I had ever come to truly rely on. Everyone except Kenzi . . . I wish Kenzi were here. She would know what to do.

 _"So, you have to start feeding . . . Off others."_

But I didn't want to feed off others. I just wanted her. I had never really fed off Lauren. The closest I had ever really gotten was when I was hurt and we would make love so that I could heal, but even then, it wasn't the same. I never saw Lauren as food, and I never will. So hearing her say that as if that was all she was, made my stomach churn. I needed her to know that she wasn't in that same category. That no matter how many people I slept with, it was not in the same way that I made love to her. I had never really thought of what we did as having sex. I have had sex before, lots and lots of sex. But what we do, now that's different. She had to know that.

 _"And you're okay with that?"_

 _" . . . I have to be."_

It was the laugh that scared me more than anything. As if the absurdity of the situation had finally dawned on her. Like she really didn't have a choice, which was never how I wanted her to feel. I never wanted her to feel like she had no other choice in loving me, but what could I do? Maybe they were all right. Maybe we couldn't do this. But why not? I was so willing to give everything I was, I even risked my life doing it, just to try to be faithful to her. And though I know it's a lot to ask, if she could just hold on with me, I swear I will make it worth her while. I promise to make her so happy that she will never see our love as a chore again. So that one day she will see all her choices, and will still choose us.

" _But I think that we should make some ground rules. For starters . . . No Dyson._ "

I really meant it when I said anything, I would've set a schedule if she asked me to. So, if her anything was no Dyson, then I was willing to give him up. Because the only thing that I know for sure that I'm not willing to give up, is her.

So as I lay here and watch her sleep, I make a promise. I promise that I'm going to do everything I can to earn her love. I'm going to tell her everyday how special she is to me, and kiss her just because. I'm going to hold her because I'm afraid that if I don't, she's going to walk out that door. I'm going to keep her involved and make sure that she never feels left out. I'm going to make sure that she never gives up on us, because without her, there is no us. I'm going to make sure she knows just how amazing I think she is, and be sure to let her know that no matter what, I am hers.

Because I meant it when I said it was our time . . . And I'll be damned if I let her slip away that easily.


End file.
